Bad Guy Life Pro-Tip: Don’t Get Shot In A Hoarder’s House

TULSA, OKLAHOMA — An elderly man sustained non-life threatening injuries during a gunfight with an intruder who burst through his front door.

According to Oklahoma’s News 6, the elderly map was believed to be shot once in the hip and the intruder was shot twice in the torso.  Initial reports suggest that first responders had difficulty evacuating the intruder to a local hospital due to the huge stacks of hoarded belongings the elderly man had stacked everywhere.

As the initial bullet wounds are believed to have hit the intruder’s spinal column, if he does survive he will likely be paralyzed.  The elderly man received a head injury during the struggle but it is not believed to have been caused by a bullet, so he is expected to recover.

Reports from News 6 suggest that undisclosed items in the victim’s house reached to three quarters of the way to the ceiling, making the movement of an emergency stretcher nearly impossible.  And due to the severity of the spinal injury, it is all the more important to not move or adjust the back in any way.  The problem?  As a spinal injury progresses, a person’s body begins to inflame the tissues surrounding the injury in an effort to neutralize contaminants and staunch fluid loss.  That inflammation inevitably exacerbates the spinal injury and may even knock out vital nerve endings necessary to move or operate.

If this armed robber survives, he’ll be lucky if he’s able to operate a wheelchair.  If he literally won the statistical lottery, he may be able to use a walker after years of extensive physical therapy and rehabilitation.  So, not only did this armed robber pick the absolute worst house in the universe to go get shot in, the elderly man likely didn’t have anything worth stealing.

The armed intruder literally could have taken a brick and broke his own foot in the convenience of his own home and done less permanent damage to himself than what happened.  So for those armed robbers out there — do yourself a favor and trade the illegally obtained firearm for a brick, a cheeseburger and a six-pack.  Thank me later.